I don’t know why I like to chronicle dumb tales played out in historical strategy games, but I do. It started with a Spanish Empire campaign in Medieval: Total War 2. Please don’t contact me about how such and such would never have happened in real life, because I don’t care. Onward.
Portugal is a coward’s choice. They are buffered from the chaotic morass of continental europe by Castille and Aragon. They’re also buffered from muslim advance by Castille, which is fighting the Reconquista to free the Iberian peninsula from the Moors (or, if you will, Moops). Portugal is also a far cry from the Golden Horde and surging Ottoman Empire. So I could quietly go about my business exploring and colonizing without fear of European or North African invasion. I just wanted to get my feet wet again after having not played Europa Universalis for some time.
I started in 1399 AD and spent the early years solidifying diplomatic ties with Castille, Aragon and Navarre. England was already an ally. I wanted to befriend Brittany to get another ally in the north in case France grew too fast, but they seemed more interested in…whatever it is they do in Brittany.
Carracks took a long ass time to build, but eventually I had two small fleets of ships. “Viva Toreadors!” was our battlecry.
I am reminded that our battlecry was not “Viva Toreadors!” In fact, it was “Viva los Cowards!” Wars were raging all over Europe and we sat in relative isolation in a forgotten corner of Iberia, our heads buried under the giant pillow of Castille. Our heraldric shield is a trembling yellow chicken.
England took its armies in Meath (part of Ireland) and invaded Connaught (another part of Ireland, properly called Eire in this time period). They called Portugal to honor its alliance, and I’m proud to say we complied. Um, by burying our heads under the pillow again. A bunch of pillowbiters we are. Heck, we don’t have many troops as it is. I don’t know what England was expecting. It turned out okay, because England stomped on Connaught for a bit and it was over. The rest of Eire was safe for the moment, and, despite the fact that I ruled a country of cowards, our relationship with In-gar-lund was still peachy keen.
Continue to part 2.
(Played on Europa Universalis 3: In Nomine expansion)