After 19 week, 40 episodes, and more hours than I can recall without weeping uncontrollably, we are about to reach maximum safe distance from this show. At long last, Finale Night is upon us. Who will win? Will it be the glamorous lady with the shrieky voice, or will it be the kid who wandered on stage looking for a place to spend his Old Navy gift card? Hot or cold? Salt or pepper? Adam or Kris? Everybody has an opinion–including the very valid “I don’t care.” But if that were the case, you wouldn’t be reading this. Would you? This is American Idol. The Visitors are not our friends. They’ve come to rape our planet and kill us. They are not who they appear to be!
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Archives for May 2009
American Idol Results: And The Winner Be…
May 21, 2009 By
American Idol: The Big Ding-Dong
May 20, 2009 By
Flashbacks remind us that once upon a time, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen were two people nobody gave a shit about. In Olde Audition Tymes, Adam didn’t wear eyeliner, while Kris sported an ill-conceived cabbie hat. Then they got famous. Kris embraced the cuteness. Adam embraced the Maybelline. I embraced the idea of tonight being the final night of performances. This is American Idol. Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
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American Idol Results: 3 Become 2
May 14, 2009 By
Why in the name of Victor Von Doom is Ben Stiller on my TV? Worse, why is he talking to me? I know I’m not on medication and I gave up crack after that unfortunate Disney World incident. (The Pirates of the Caribbean are robots. Don’t try to have sex with them. It hurts.) Is this really happening? Where’s my show? Holy armpits, he’s doing some kind of promotional skit to push that museum movie on us. Now there’s a Saturday Night Live guy talking to me. And the fat kid from Superbad. And Agador Spartacus. I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. No means no! This is American Idol. Armand, why won’t you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?
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American Idol: All-Male Revue
May 13, 2009 By
“They have become heroes in their hometowns.” Because next to war veterans, firefighters, and astronauts, amateur singers in a reality show competition are true, heroic pioneers. There’s Danny Gokey, smiling like a cock until he realizes he’s on camera, then he’s straight-faced; Kris Allen, looking like he just wants to fucking sing already; Adam Lambert, who should not be seen in close-up under any circumstance. Boundaries, people. Boundaries. And for what it’s worth, tonight is the 300th episode. This is American Idol. Come back with your shield, or on it.
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American Idol Results: 4 Become 3
May 7, 2009 By
Last night, we were slapped in the face by Rock Night, and boxed in the ears by Gokey’s attempt at a Steve Tyler howl. Allison decided that 17 weeks into the season was a fine time to throw attitude at Simon. But he loved it. The kids sang duets. Gokey was less than thrilled to be paired with Kris, while Adam and Allison owned the stage. Also, the set tried to kill everybody before the show even started. If at first you don’t succeed, etc., etc. This is American Idol. Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?
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American Idol: Slash and Burn
May 6, 2009 By
The herd of thirty-six has been thinned to four. Last week, someone poor sucker went home. Their sorry delusion of defeating Adam Lambert, shattered into bits. Was it Matt? I don’t even remember. A year from now, I doubt I could tell you who was in the final four, except maybe for Kris Allen–and that’s because he’ll be sitting on my couch, feeding me Hershey’s Kisses, and I can just ask him. This is American Idol. My friends, I give you snow. I give you ice. I give you power. I give you the key to a new world. I give you diamond dust!
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Lucky Charms has Crystal Balls
May 5, 2009 By
Lucky gazes into the crystal ball and sees his future as a small man with rotten teeth.
Lucky has a lot of hobbies: running from kids, hiding bowls of cereal, traveling via rainbow, pulling purple horseshoes off My Little Pony and cramming them in cereal boxes, running from more kids, stamp collecting, and learning how to be a fortune teller.
Here’s how the scam goes. Lucky convinces some stupid kids to cough up a fiver apiece. They watch a lot of paranormal shows on cable, so they’re gullible as hell. Lucky moves his hands around a plastic crystal ball. He clicks a hidden button on the floor with his foot. Lights flicker. The globe clouds over. One of the girls in the group makes up her mind that she’s totally going to make out with Seth tonight, because he’s being so, so brave during the crystal ball phenomena.
Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp puzzle
May 5, 2009 By
Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp
I don’t know what it is about Cookie Crisp that makes people want to shove more chocolate in it. Every year General Mills trots out another 10 or 12 boxes of Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp. I can’t imagine they sell more than that. They must have changed the recipe a dozen times by now.
Cookie Crisp is great as just Cookie Crisp. It doesn’t need more of anything. When I saw the box of Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp in the store, I was ready to go on a fiery rant about how much it sucked. I was jotting down notes on the store receipt. Laughing to myself…alone…as I cracked a series of mean-spirited jokes at General Mills’ expense. Then I shoved my hand in the box and scarfed down a few.
Cocoa Krispies ChocoNilla
May 4, 2009 By
Cocoa Krispies ChocoNilla. Heaven in a bowl.
If you take Heaven, put Xanadu on top of that, and then stack Hyperborea on top of that, you’d have ChocoNilla.
Cocoa Krispies ChocoNilla is the newest version of Rice Krispies. It debuted about two years ago and is inexplicably hard to find. This is odd because it is the single greatest addition to the cerealverse since milk.
Your #1 source for vomiting robot dinosaurs. Since 2005.
