Morality in blue.
“If you ignore the past, you jeopardize the future.” But if you use a Delorean to change the past, everything’s aces.
The Council of Neutral Systems (aka CNS, aka Switzerland) wants to stay out of the war. The war doesn’t make sense, it’s horribly plotted and boring Senate meetings are wasting time better spent processing Jewish gold. Rumors say Duchess Satine of Mandalore (and CNS regent) is building her own army to aid the Separatists, so Kenobi flies to Mandalore.
The Mandalore Plot.
We’re treating to a dull shot of some building Kenobi enters so that the CG dorks can show off their light ray effects. You know what would be better? Try showing off some editing skills by cutting these frames.
Kenobi is welcomed by the Prime Minister who poo-poos any worries about loyalty to the Republic. He says all their warriors were exiled to Concordia (Mandalore’s moon) and died out. So…uh…if I were to exile every single blogger into the vacuum of space today, you mean to argue that no one will start blogging on earth tomorrow? As always, Star Wars logic is nothing of the sort.
Kenobi shows a YouTube video of a Mandalorian attacking some Republic something or other. “No Mandalorian would engage in such violence. Not anymore,” says the Prime Minister. Once again, rather than write social groups as collections of individuals, we get more 3rd grade nonsense. “This is Sesame Street. Everyone is good on Sesame Street.” Goddamn, it’s like none of these dorks ever read Foundation. (My pet theory is that every single system in the Star Wars universe is nothing more than a brutal dictatorship with only a thin veneer of legitimate governance. How else would these politicians be so ironfisted in their pronouncements?)
Satine tells Kenobi about Death Watch, a group of “hooligans” who hate peace (which is screenwriting parlance for “I don’t know how to describe people except as World of Warcraft archetypes”).
Cut to some masked Mandalorian talking to Dooku’s hologram. Dooku is scheming to have the Republic send troops to Mandalore which will incite revolt to fuel the Death Watch cause.
Kenobi and Satine talk about the role of a peacekeeper and then something blows up. This is too big for hooligans, Kenobi says. A bomb? It’s not a Death Star. It’s a hooligan-sized bomb. The Death Watch symbol holograms up, which shuts Kenobi’s stupid mouth.
Kenobi sees a guy flee the scene and he gives chase. The guy pulls a gun, but Kenobi disarms him with his lightsaber. The guy jumps off the roof to his death. He speaks in a Concordian dialect before he dies, so Kenobi and Satine are off to the moon for more asinine political intrigue. By the way, Mandalore looks like it was designed by the guy who invented the cargo shipping container.
Another editing note. We do not need to see the take off and landing every time a character travels on a ship. That’s always bugged me. One of the major principles of editing is condensing time. Condense, goddammit. You’re wasting my precious seconds.
Kenobi and Satine meet and greet the governor of Concordia. Then Kenobi gives Satine an earpiece to stay in contact while he checks out a Concordian mining facility. Suddenly it’s Iraq and WMDs. He hops aboard a random speeder bike. Hey, is he stealing it?
Kenobi finds commando armor and is attacked by two Boba Fetts (Fred and Harold Fett).
Satine and the governor talk politics over drinks. I’ve seen enough of these shows to be annoyed at the tiresome political dialog. “Strange forces at work…” “External force is at work…” It’s a template they whip out to tedious effect.
Kenobi is upside down in a stasis field. He contacts Satine during her booze session with the gov. She makes an awkward excuse to leave, steals a speeder and tracks Kenobi’s location. Kenobi is in Bondian peril, meaning there’s a contraption that will take too long to try to kill him instead of a pistol shot to the face. (Plus, we know he survives for Episode III so this is pointless.) Satine distracts Fred and Harold and frees Kenobi. They escape but not the way they came. There’s a whole camp of Fetts with no better aim than stormtroopers.
The leader Fett sends three other Fetts (Jim, Dick and Moishe) jetpacking towards our heroes. Kenobi takes out two with a rifle. Moishe tackles Kenobi, Satine draws his fire and Kenobi knocks him out. These Supercommandos are not very super. The lead Fett (I’ll call him Susan. Susan Fett.) sends the entire camp of chicken-commandos to retreat to their ships. Wow. This is the final nail in the coffin of Boba Fett’s once proud heritage. Susan executes Moishe for “failure.” He’s carrying Kenobi’s lightsaber. Susan removes his helmet. He’s the governor. Governor Susan. He hates Satine and her peaceful ways because she didn’t put out after drinks. He tosses the lightsaber to Kenobi because…because he is dumb. Susan has a lightsaber too. It’s from the days of the Old Republic. It’s more sword than saber-shaped. They fight.
Kenobi knocks him around so Susan tells his three Fett goons (Allen, Rick and Joan) to finish him. They fire their back rockets (somehow not blowing off their own heads). Kenobi grabs Satine and leaps to safety down an elevator shaft. He boasts his rescue was the more daring. Ass.
Satine still wants to remain Switzerland.
What have we learned tonight children? Supercommandos suck, and there are no good architecture colleges on Mandalore.
The number of firefights that occur in the open without cover: 1.