“Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.” I miss Star Wars when it wasn’t so full of itself.
Voyage of Temptation.
Duchess Satine of Mandalore (Switzerland) is travelling to the Senate, and Kenobi, Anakin and their clone troopers have to protect her enroute. Anakin senses anxiety in Kenobi, who admits he “knew” Satine a long time ago.
Cargo hold. “All secure,” says a clone trooper about an area that’s not secure.
Assembly. Satine talks about peace to an assembly of political tools. Kenobi barges in and says the best defense is a good offense. Satine reminds Kenobi of the Patriots/Rams Super Bowl. She introduces him as “the collection of half-truths and hyperbole known as Obi Wan Kenobi.” I agree. He used to be much cooler. Some idiot (I call him Fat-Fat) says, “Duchess Satine and General Kenobi have proven there are two sides to every dilemma,” which is dumb because that’s not a proof. It’s a definition.
Meanwhile, a robot kills a clone trooper.
Satine and Kenobi bicker because neither has been laid since the Old Republic.
The bridge. They jump to light speed. Wha? What have you guys been doing in the meantime? Personal best at Bejeweled?
Cargo hold. Another clone trooper death. They’re trying for an Alien mood here, but it’s not working. They show too much of the droid too early.
Meanwhile, Kenobi expositions that he and Qui Gon had served with Satine years ago. But Jedi Code and all that, so nothing happened. Maybe some under the shirt action but that’s it.
Cargo hold. Clone troopers find R2D2 alone and two clones missing. Anakin answers their call for assistance. Tells R2 to use his scanner. I doubt they needed an astromech scanner to find the gigantic empty shipping container that could house a Mini Cooper. They spread out. The spider-looking robot throws a dead clone’s body at Anakin. Anakin and the clones make short work of the spiderbot, but there’s another and it escapes.
Dinner. The escaped spiderbot attacks Satine’s dinner table, but Kenobi kills it. Little robots pop out of the heads of the dead robots (both here and in the cargo hold). They attack. Satine pulls out a gun that shoots a blast deactivating several baddies at a time. Kenobi reacts miffed at her, which is pointless and unmotivated. I get that they’re trying to make them out to be the Magnificent Bickersons and recapture that Han/Leia magic from Empire Strikes Back, but as I’ve mentioned before, this is the work of 3rd graders.
The crate to ship the assassin droids have a senatorial stamp. So one of the four senators in Satine’s assembly is a traitor. Fat-Fat has had the most dialog, so mystery solved right? Nope. Kenobi has the last surviving minibot in a see-through dish. He goes around the dinner table. The person it doesn’t attack is…Prince and Senator Tal Merrick whose role was never really defined. An adviser to Satine he was earlier, but now he’s rewritten as a prince and senator. Star Wars loves its titles.
Merrick grabs Satine and flees. Despite dragging an unwilling captive, he is still somehow faster than a pursuing Jedi Knight. Kenobi doesn’t catch up until much later. Aerobics, man, aerobics. Merrick takes over the bridge and Separatist reinforcements board the ship…which, I dunno, they were in hyperspace…even if they came out of hyperspace, it would still take time to rendezvous.
Droids shoot. Clones shoot back. No one takes cover at all because this was written by 3rd graders.
Kenobi reaches the bridge. Merrick threatens to blow up the ship with a remote detonator.
Now some of the clones are crouching next to pillars. They call this cover. I guess. Again, 3rd graders. Pew pew, I shoot you. No you didn’t, I shot you. Then Anakin kills everything.
Kenobi confronts Merrick who is dragging Satine to an escape pod. Satine says she’s always loved Kenobi. It’s a ruse and Kenobi plays along. Satine disarms Merrick. (Push the button, idiot.) Merrick brags he’ll get in the pod and blow up the ship. (Push the button, idiot.) He laughs that Satine might shoot him and become a hypocrite. (Push the button, idiot.) He laughs that Kenobi will kill him and piss off Satine (?). (Push the button, idiot.) Anakin kills him from behind. Idiot.
They arrive as Coruscant. Satine tells Kenobi she’s not sure about the beard.
What have we learned tonight children? The Jedi Code does not apply to first and possibly second base.
The number of times the phrase “point of view” is used: 1.
The number of firefights that occur in the open without cover: 1.