Archives for January 2010

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, season 3 ep. 4 recap

Dr. Drew continues his madcap adventure recovering addicted former celebrities. And kssht is the sound a beer makes when I open it. [Continue Reading…]

American Idol Dallas: Ducks and Covers

We’re at the point in the season where the auditions should be over, but they are sadly not. With this year’s parade of mediocrity, listening to the good singers is a chore and the misanthropes are surprisingly unsurprising. The judges comments merely echo the sound bites found on the video game version of the competition, with the guest judges being little more than props or eye candy, depending upon which side your bread is buttered. To paraphrase the Joker, this show needs an enema. But this is still American Idol. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”
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American Idol L.A.: Rollin’ With The Holies

Did you know that Little Ryan has a big boy job doing a radio program? Well, the show needs to prove it, so we open on Seacrest in a studio, “broadcasting” into a mic. But the whole thing seems a tad bullshitty. The equipment looks all wrong. Ryan appears to be listening to an iPod. Also, he’s wearing a crisp white shirt and tie, and everybody knows that radio people work naked. This is American Idol. “Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
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Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, season 3 ep. 3 ‘Dealing with the Past’ recap

Someone left Coors Light in my fridge, so let’s celebrate episode 3 with the lightest of light beers and one of my least favorite drinks. Coors Light is like tap water but ruined. Still no sign of Tom Sizemore.[Continue Reading…]

American Idol Florida: Be Scurred…Be Very Scurred

Has this season started yet? Honestly. Everything we’ve seen so far feels like a poorly packaged clip reel, designed to generate interest in the show, but created by people who aren’t interested in the show. Everybody is going through the motions. Snarky judges. Lousy contestants. Good(ish) contestants. Ryan being short and adorable and useless and annoying, all at once. But it’s all lacking spirit. It’s as if Paula, along with her uppers, downers, body glitter, and Big Bag O’Crazy, took the show’s spark with her when she left for Whoville. Let’s hope it gets better at Hollywood, because another thirty-six episodes of this? Not at all sexy. This is American Idol. “Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!”
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American Idol: Chicago Hopeless

Tonight’s auditions take place in Chicago, home of such things as the entire series of ER and that musical where Renée Zellweger looked fat and pasty. Apparently, it’s also the home of where people cuss like sailors and flip the finger to the camera. This is American Idol. “Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!”
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Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, season 3 episode 2 recap

dr. drew of celebrity rehab and sober house

Dr. Drew

We start in Mike Starr and Joey Kovar’s room. Mike does not want to wake up. Dr. Drew flies in to tell us that detox is a huge no fun zone. If you didn’t know that already, you wouldn’t have tuned in to this show. Maybe VH1 thinks they’ll get a tax credit if they push the edumahcation on the show. Still no sign of Tom Sizemore. Let’s sit back and crack open a Miller Lite.[Continue Reading…]

American Idol season 9 recap guide

For another thankless year, Frank takes on the horror freak show that is American Idol. [Continue Reading…]

American Idol Atlanta: Where Are Your Pants?

Pop quiz. What city has this show visited five times and spawned such ungodly horrors as Fantasia Barrino, Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson? Hint: It’s the same place that birthed our own Ryan Seacrest. Hmm. Does Smurf Village count as a city? No? Then the answer is either Alabama, Narnia, or the 9th Circle of Hell. Atlanta?! What do you mean it’s Atlanta? The fictional setting of Designing Women is a real place? Screw this quiz. This is American Idol.  “Oh, so they have internet on computers now!”
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5th anniversary…of doom: The big oh-five


A kewlops, conveyor of dreams. Half man, half gargoyle, half snake, half whale, half ape, and half not very good at fractions.

How has this site survived five long years on the internet? The internet! You can’t just go on the internet. They don’t take just anybody. And how on earth does an idea turn into electronic gold? What kind of machine tooling and manufacturing wizardry (and possibly gnomes) are involved? [Continue Reading…]