“A wise leader knows when to follow.” Follow me, Lucas, follow. You’re so lost right now. Stop listening to money.
Cat and Mouse
Droids are blockading some planet or other. In charge of the droids is some chunky spider guy. Anakin’s ships are engaging…and losing. Kenobi arrives and reveals that Anakin has violated a direct order. Again. There will be no consequences. Man, this is just like Celebrity Rehab. Kenobi orders Anakin to fall back. Kenobi unveils a small stealth ship. Anakin is to fly it down to Senator Organa on the planet below to deliver much needed supplies. I gotta hand it to this show. Week in and week out, they get right into the action. (I mean, when they’re not bogging us down in fake political nonsense.)
The Republic Admiral recognizes the chunky spider guy as Admiral Trench. The Admiral joins Anakin on the relief mission. Just as they pass the blockade, Admiral Trench sends bombers to attack the planet. Anakin thinks the bombers are coming after him. He stupidly powers down the ship so that the writers can do a scene identical to Das Boot. The stealth ship is even shaped like a submarine. The scene is so self-conscious and transparent, like Quentin Tarantino.
Organa survives the bombing run and holograms to Kenobi, “Help us General Kenobi, you’re our only hope.” So. Yeah. This rears its ugly head again. If you watch enough of these episodes, you will see a lot of lines that are cribbed from the original trilogy. If you think that’s “so coooool” or “clever,” you’re an idiot fanboy. Once is fine. Doing it in every other episode is trite.
Anakin turns his u-boat around. “Prep torpedo tubes one through four.” That’s an actual quote. He may as well say “flood the tubes.” Goddamn. If we remember our cloaking rules from every other lame sci-fi universe, we know that you can’t cloak and fire at the same time. Because, you know, it wouldn’t make sense that every competent scientist or engineer in this universe would be chasing the Space Nobel Prize for inventing the cloaked gun that can also fire while cloaked. No! That does not happen here! Nor is there a power called Force Undress. Nor is there a vacuum in space. Nor is there holographic technology that has better resolution than a PET computer monitor. This is Lucas’ sandbox, and if you don’t like that Greedo shoots first, Georgie will take his toys and go home.
The torpedoes have no effect. Anakin recloaks before Trench can hit him. Trench reveals that he’s dealt with cloaked ships before, but Anakin has a plan. Trench locks onto the magnetic signature of the ship, which is sort of like if John Hancock scribbled on the Declaration of Independence with magnets or something. For some reason, Trench has to lower the shields to perform this. Because, you know, it wouldn’t make sense that every competent scientist–ach, right, we’ve gone down that road already.
Anyway, you see where this is going. Anakin flies towards the flagship and Trench is killed by his own ordinance. And that’s how the Germans lost the War of the Atlantic.