American Idol: Final Results, Final Simon…Final Frankie?!

So a bajillion people auditioned for the show this year, and apparently a bunch of those auditions happened in Chicago, and it seems that two of those Chicago auditioneers were Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze, and wouldn't you fucking know it? … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 2: Dweezilsox! Dweezilsox! Dweezilsox!

You know what the best thing is about this season? It isn't Crystal Bowersox. It isn't Lee DeWyze. It isn't that Ellen did a pretty good job. (I don't know, I fast-forwarded through her parts.) And it isn't even that Tim Urban is sitting in the … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 3: Results

After tonight, three become two -- and two become finale. Then finale becomes everlasting freedom from the weekly exercise in lethargy that this show has become. Who knew we had it so good back in the days of Chris Sligh? Vonzell Solomon, anyone? … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 3: Double or Nothing

Elliston, Ohio. Mount Prospect, Illinois. Cool, Texas. These fine cities are the hometowns of the remaining three Idols: Crystal, Dweezil, and Casey, respectively. Tonight and tomorrow, we'll see footage of their visits to those obscure points of … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 4 (With Results): Double Whammy

"All of these faces came to this stage with a dream," says Little Ryan. And I can assure you that no part of that dream involved boring America to tears with bad covers of tired old songs your own grandmother doesn't want to hear. But don't worry. … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 5: Results

Last night, the Idols sang the songs of Frank Sinatra after being coached by Harry Connick, Jr. I give this show a lot of crap, but I really must applaud them when, at times like this, they go above and beyond to keep the contestants relevant and … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 5: The Trouble With Harry

From over 100,00 contestants (well, potential contestants -- Ryan likes to exaggerate), we're down to a mere 5. That's probably 5 too many, but we've stuck it out this long, haven't we? Might as well see it through. It's not like we have lives. Or … [Continue reading]

Sober House 2, Season Finale: Pointlessness

It's the moment we've all--well, six or seven of us, as I can't imagine the ratings are much higher--been waiting for. The Sober House Season Finale. Not because we're excited about something that's happening in the episode itself, but mostly because … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 6: Results

Last night, Shania Twain stopped by to mentor the contestants to all-new heights of tedium. Tonight, she has good sense to stay away (unless I fast-forwarded through her). Instead, we're treated to an hour-long commercial for country music. It's … [Continue reading]

American Idol Top 6: Betwixt and BeTwain

We're down to the final six, and in case there's any confusion, Ryan breaks it down for us. "A paint salesman, a high school student, a glass-blower, a mother, a father, and a construction worker." That's what this show has come to: the people in … [Continue reading]